You have probably found out by now — whether through reading it yourself or hearing secondhand accounts — that the new Harry Potter story is a doozy, and not in a good way. There are fan fictions truer to the characters which handle the story in more interesting ways than 2016’s play. It’s filled with so many mind-boggling moments, it’s hard to know where to begin. Luckily, you don’t have to, because we’ve done it for you.
Harry’s son makes out with Hermione
At one point in the play, Harry’s son Albus uses Polyjuice Potion to disguise himself as Ron. When he encounters Hermione, this means he has to kiss her to keep up the charade. Nothing wrong with that. He could have made it a cheek-kiss or a peck — even if Ron and Hermione are a very PDA couple when they’re 40, most middle aged couples don’t make out every time they see each other in passing. But Albus’s kisses Hermione several times and the play is sure to tell us it’s a kiss, because she comments on how he tastes.
The Trolley woman has spike-hands and pastry grenades
The sweet-natured trolley witch on the Hogwarts express is revealed to be over 100 years old, endowed with the abilities to turn her hands into spikes and turn her Pumpkin Pasties into grenades, because murdering students makes a lot more sense than letting them escape the train.
These are actual stage directions in Cursed Child: “The trolley witch’s hands transfigure into very sharp spikes,” and “She picks up a pumpkin pasty. She throws it like a grenade. It explodes.” Our minds explode alongside it.
Ron sends a young boy a love potion
Yes, because Ron would definitely forget that time he almost died from one and send it to Harry’s kid twenty years later! No problem at all, that checks out with his character development. Harry, for his part, waves it off with “that’s just wacky Ron!” which also definitely check’s out, because the guy who spent all of sixth year stalking Draco Malfoy and is generally paranoid about everything would accept Ron sending a love potion. No problem.
Cedric the death eater
Cursed Child imagines several alternate realities. One is a world in which Harry is dead, Voldemort triumphs, and Umbridge rules the school, and Ron and Hermione are rebels. It’s instigated by Albus and Scorpius humiliating Cedric. This has a butterfly effect upon the world, all because humiliation makes Cedric turn to the darkside. The problem is, Cedric is described as a sterotypical Huffelpuff —that’s the whole reason the Goblet of Fire chose him as the champion. Hufflepuffs are loyal, decent, and value fair play. As Dumbledore says (Goblet of Fire page 722) Cedric was fundamentally good and kind. A guy like that wouldn’t randomly become evil just because he was humiliated, and at no point does Cursed Child try to make his rapid turn make sense.
Draco talking about farmers markets
In act four, scene seven, Draco says, “is that a farmer’s market?”
This is so surreal.
This line from Scorpious
“Squeak. My geek-ness is a-quivering.” No teenage boy on planet earth talks like that. It doesn’t matter what alternate reality he’s in. Teenage boys in John Green books don’t even talk like that. No no no.
Re-writing Deathly Hallows
Delphi, otherwise known as the secret daughter Voldemort had with Bellatrix, makes no sense because Voldemort would never have a daughter even as a backup plan. It’s also biologically dubious he could have one, because of that whole emerging-from-a-cauldron-with-snake-features ordeal would surely make one sterile.
But according to Delphi and the play, Delphi was born right before the Battle of Hogwarts. This would make Bellatrix pregnant when she tortured Hermione and immediately post-birth when she murders Tonks and duels with Hermione, Luna, Ginny, and Mrs. Weasley. Even with healing potions, there is no way she would recover in time, and no amount of charms would conceal a baby bump from all the death eaters. Cursed Child all but throws Deathly Hallows out the window.
No, that’s not how Fidelius charms work
At the end of the play, there is this: stage direction A young, attractive couple leaves a house with a baby in a pushchair. After that, Harry and his friends and family must watch Voldemort murder his parents without intervening. The problem — or WTF part — is that Lily and James did not stroll around when they were in hiding. Lily wrote Sirius letters about how James was frustrated cooped up in their house. Further, their house would not be visible to onlookers. That is not how Fidelius charms work, and Cursed Child should know it.