Jordan VanDina spends his work days helping to create Hollywood blockbusters, and in his free time, he enjoys tearing them apart — or at least poking major fun at them.
The 27-year-old is a VFX editor for Hydraulx, a leader in the special effects field, and has worked on big budget flicks such as Godzilla and San Andreas. His side hustle is running the site WeekendScripts.com, where he houses the impossibly (and delightfully) goofy parody screenplays that he writes in feverish races against time and logic.
“I take popular film franchises and put some sort of spin on them, and by spin I mean I just make a pun out of the title and figure out plot later,” he tells Inverse. “Then I give myself two days to write the entire film, and post it on Monday. I’ve done this four times now. These are all movies for legal reasons that could never be made but I would still love to see.”
His most recent parody script, Fast Nein: The Fast & The Führer, is an adrenaline-fueled sequel to the Fast and Furious franchise set in Nazi Germany. Borrowing elements from Back to the Future — literally, as Doc Brown makes an appearance early in the script — the story sends Dom (Vin Diesel) back to late ‘30s Germany to rescue Brian O’Conner (Walker), who has become a poster boy for Hitler’s Aryan dream world, thanks to his blonde hair, blue eyes and matinee-idol looks.
While the pun-driven plot (he got two for the price of one there) is preposterous, the script itself is a spot-on absurdist send-up of the beloved franchise, which has ridden muscle cars and the word “family” to unlikely success over seven movies in 15 years. Like all satirists, VanDina zeroes in on and stretches a character’s most glaring traits, creating a roster of recognizable clowns.
In the case of The Fast & The Führer, he’s turned Dom into an overly aggressive, Corona-slugging dunce who spouts increasingly non-sensical koans about life on the road (“If you want to work in the desert, you’ve got to play in the sand”); Hobbs (Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson) into an indestructible giant who glistens from layers of baby oil, pumps weights at all times and says the word “sumbitch” every few lines; and Ludacris into a wise-cracking idiot who has unlikely tech skills that not even he can explain. Hitler, meanwhile, is turned into an insecure little baby man with a micro-penis who laments his failed art career and soothes his soul by running a grand prix around Germany called The Master Race. There are a lot of irreverent pun-based plot devices, many of which required an admirable amount of work; chief amongst them is naming a character Hosen strictly so Dom can eventually yell “Later, Hosen!” during a race.
The relationships play up the series’ undercurrent of homoeroticism in a way that VanDina winkingly claims was unintentional. “I just saw it as great, great, friendship,” he said. “Friendship that runs so deep you wouldn’t mind lathering up your buddy’s biceps with baby oil if he needed it.” Either way, the ability to twist such recognizable characters shows a keen understanding of the franchise.
“I’m going to sound like a fool here but I had actually never seen any of the Fast movies until the week before I wrote this,” he admitted. “I ordered the box set on Amazon and watched them all over the course of three days. I loved them. I was so Goddamn entrenched in the minds and souls of Dom Toretto, and Letty and Ludacris that once I started writing it just flowed out pretty organically.”
It helped that he had some experience going into this mad weekend writing sprint. His first three scripts were perhaps even sillier, with Fieri Road: The Course Awakens serving as an absurdist high point.
Nominally a mash-up of Mad Max: Fury Road, and Star Wars: The Force Awakens, it “stars” heroic TV food host and visionary entrepreneur Guy Fieri as the Mayor of Flavortown and the Chosen One in an ancient prophecy. His mission: “save the burger as we know it from the bland, tasteless, corporate takeover of the Burger King,” and thus preserve the sanctity of Flavortown in time for the annual “Guy Fieri Big Burgers and Big Tits Super Bowl Tailgate.”
Fieri, in the script, is a smash-mouth food bro who pours bacon puree over 12 pound burgers and cums his pants in the process. He’s a benevolent leader with a mean streak, firing assistants who don’t paint flames on his shirts and vomiting at the mere thought of vegetarianism. In short, as the script explains early on, “Guy is this generation’s John Lennon.”
Other projects include a Wu Tang/Bill Murray team-up, in an adventure to get back the $2 million album sold to evil pharmaceutical boy genius Martin Shkreli.
Given Hollywood’s obsession with superhero films, all the copyrights that VanDina violates, and the piss he takes out of his characters, it’s exceedingly unlikely that any of these scripts will ever get made. But it doesn’t mean he’s not trying. VanDina, whose career in amateur comedy began with a public access TV show in high school called Phetus TV and continued with a stint in a troupe at Emerson College, has set up a crowd-funding campaign to raise some money (and really, publicity) for his Fast script. The goal: $100 million. Right now, he has just over $300.
“I set the campaign up so I can only get access to the money if I make the $100 million in full,” he said. “I wouldn’t feel right about it if I made $500 or so and just pocketed the money. Though I could probably buy a new Hemi with whatever money I made. I have no idea what a Hemi is.”