Nerf Has Stealthily Become the Official Brand of the Apocalypse

It’s clear that television, movies, and books are riding the wave of the zombie apocalypse — hard. How about toy manufacturers, you ask? Well, yes, apparently them, too. Nerf — which you might remember fondly as the manufacturers of soft balls — sees the Four Horsemen a comin’. And all you’ll need is one of its foam-discharging apparatuses to teach your children that they might die soon, along with the rest of the planet. The Nerf Nuke might’ve been a perfect April Fools’ Joke, you can drive one of Nerf’s blasters, and the KHAOS MXVI-4000 might fire at 68 mph, but the Zombie Strike Brainsaw is the real mind-blower.

This ridiculous contraption has a saw for, well, shredding zombies, of course. (Or your friends who are playing zombies in the neighbor’s basement.) You see, Nerf has an entire line of undead-themed weaponry: its Zombie Strike division. The Brainsaw Blaster is just the latest rollout in an apocalyptic war chest of blasters, bows, and zombie repellent. Yeah, that’s right.

Here we are, looking way out on the horizon for evidence of the End Times, and then Nerf — NERF. — makes a chainsaw for opening skulls and you realize, wow, we’re already here.

I reached out to Hasbro for comment on the toy. “What would you like to know about the Nerf Brainsaw Blaster?” asked the first email I received back from Laure at Hasbro Customer Care. When I asked about the idea behind the product I received this reply, with the general 800 number to Hasbro corporate:

Hi Colin,

Thank you for contacting Hasbro.

I’m pleased to reply. Regrettably we do not have information on these matters, and the inspiration on these blasters.

You can contact our Corporate offices at: 1-800-242-7276

Again, I’d like to thank you for taking the time to reach out to us.

I hope you have a fun day!

Kind regards

What? What the hell does that mean? Is there a conspiracy going on here? Do they know something about the zombies that we don’t? Does Nerf also welcome the end of days? How am I supposed to “have a fun day” when you’re making me think about everything and everyone dying? I’m headed for Denver International Airport stat.