April is testicular cancer awareness month, and you better believe Tucker Carlson is on that ball beat.
Not to encourage people aged 20 to 35 in possession of testicles to get them screened for tumors, of course. No, he is far more concerned with manly-man potency and how American society is degenerating into a bunch of mealy-balled wusses so desperate for a solution that we all probably should stop what we’re doing and go sunburn our beanbags in hopes of increasing our testosterone levels.
Doing that won’t help things, of course, despite what some surgically square-jawed “medical expert” explains to Carlson during a trailer for his new season of Tucker Carlson Originals making the rounds — one that apparently features an episode called “The End of Men.”
Aware of the theory’s flaccidity — Carlson, whose head itself ironically resembles a swollen scrotum, realistically does not buy into the concept of “testicular tanning,” probably because even he is aware that the phrase is a physical impossibility. As the urologist Dr. Ashley Winter recently clarified on Twitter, “you cannot TAN an internal organ. Tanning your scrotal sack and calling it ‘testicle tanning,’ is like tanning your abdominal skin and calling it ‘liver tanning.’”
That’s besides the point, of course. What matters is what Phillip Bump at The Washington Post explained earlier today:
“...it’s a compelling bit of marketing. The testicle-tanning is the lure; the trap closes when you agree to follow the line from that to Carlson’s broader argument about a decline in masculinity and the rise of the left.”
By ball means, go ahead — The ball tanning bit is clearly a classic bit of television bait-and-switch, in this case serving as a clickbait opening to get more people on board with Carlson’s “real” issue, which is rife with queerphobia and culture war scare tactics. So, prove us the fuck wrong, Tucker.
That’s right. If you truly take this idea seriously, then flop that sad sack of yours out and stick it under a UV lamp on live national television. Doing anything less seriously undermines your credibility as a he-man journalist dedicated to asking the real questions. Not doing so will immediately result in you getting labeled a ‘Soy Boy Beta Cuck.’
It’s time to go balls to the wall, Tuck. Balls to the goddamn wall.