Burnt Offering

Google's new Doodle somehow manages to make pizza infuriating

The pizza cutting game is difficult, addictive, and maddening. Shame on them.

Burnt pizza

Goddamn you, Google. Not for the anti-regulatory propaganda, or the disingenuous climate change awareness, or the decision to abandon the Pixelbook (well, actually yes, but that’s not the point right now).

Today we’re specifically mad at Monday’s Google Doodle, which supposedly celebrates the universally beloved pizza pie, alongside today’s four-year anniversary of Neapolitan “Pizzaiuolo” getting inscribed on the UNESCO Representative List of the Intangible Cultural Heritage of Humanity.

The Doodle in question includes a seemingly innocuous pizza cutting game, in which you are supposed to divvy up pies based on the number of requested slices and toppings. Do not be lulled into a false sense of security, though. We are currently stuck on Level 8 of 11 after half an hour of trial and error. So great job, Google. You managed to somehow ruin pizza for everyone. Can’t wait to see you make us all despise kittens next.

When the game hits your eye / and you can’t slice the pie / that’s annoy-ayyyyyyAuthor / Input

They’ve done better — Lest you think we are Google Doodle haters through and through, we can admit that most of them are actually pretty fun and informative. There have even been a few that were pretty touching and helpful, like the one in memoriam for the late Swedish DJ powerhouse Avicii earlier this year which also raised awareness for Suicide Prevention Week. More like that, Google, and less like this pizza slicing hell game we will never beat.