FAA says Jeff Bezos can blow his rocket into space next week

Yes, Mr. Bezos. It’s very big and hard. Good for you.

The Federal Aviation Administration has officially given Jeff Bezos the okay to let his big boy rocket go boom-boom next week, the final stroke he’s so desperately craved. With the last necessary FAA regulation in hand, Bezos and three close associates will straddle themselves aboard his oh-so-impressive “spaceship” on Tuesday, July 20, before blasting themselves to the very edge of space.

Unfortunately, Bezos was barely beaten to completion over the weekend by fellow Billionaire Boyz Club member, Richard Branson, after the Virgin CEO launched himself via his own Virgin Galactic SpaceShipTwo. But, as Bezos has been extremely careful to note, his own New Shepard rocket can spurt out much farther than Branson’s own vehicle — traveling 62 miles above Earth to the Kármán line, which is space’s border as recognized by Swiss air sports organization, the Fédération Aéronautique Internationale (FAI). Branson, for what it’s worth, technically shot the required distance to space, at least according to the U.S. government’s measurements. Don’t worry, though, Mr. Bezos — things always sound bigger in the metric system. Your rocket is just as impressive and fun and cool and big as Richard Branson’s.

We will update with Elon Musk’s take on Bezo’s surrogate dick when he finally, inevitably chimes in on the latest objectively wondrous achievement in human exploration that somehow manages to simultaneously debase that very same sense of wonder.

Jeff Bezos loves to blow his loads, no matter the size.Blue Origin

Likeminded billionaire rocket fetishists can apply now — Mr. Jeff Bezos is such a generous man that he recently opened up a seat next to him on his explosive toy for similarly-minded wealth goblins. The still anonymous winner reportedly paid $28 million for the spot, and although a majority of that amount went to charity, the knowledge still somehow feels dirtier than every juvenile penis euphemism we’ve used so far in this article.

No end in sight — While July 2021 will go down in history as the month in which billionaires finally staked their spot in space, the wealthiest’s rush to the cosmos shows no signs of slowing down anytime soon, what with Musk’s SpaceX numerous Department of Defense contracts and obnoxious PR stunts. Then there’s that other weird billionaire doing his own thing aboard a SpaceX rocket, atop all the upcoming flights from Blue Origin and Virgin Galactic. Honestly, the world’s richest can’t disappear to Mars soon enough.