Swarovski’s last Nike shoe featured 55,690 individual crystals. Its next sneaker flaunts about 55,690 different ways to make your stomach churn.
Shifting away from its preferred Air Max 97 model, the brand has reworked Nike’s Air Force 1 to include rubber overlay panels, screws, and naturally, Swarovski crystals. In theory, the sneaker sounds amazing — but in practice, it looks abnormally like tar or some other unwanted goopy mess. Even Swarovski’s bling, sprinkled into the gooey-looking rubber panels, can’t alleviate the skin-crawling feeling that accompanies its monstrous shoes.
Sparkling semen sneakers — Fortunately, the jewelry brand has prepared two iterations of the Air Force 1; white and black. The latter is the most tolerable given it doesn’t look like someone jizzed all over your sneakers, although the texture of its rubber panels is still rather off-putting. Why does it look so stringy? And why does it have to be translucent?
Each crystal-encrusted rubber panel can be removed from the sneaker with an accompanying mini screwdriver — it’s almost as if Nike and Swarovski knew people would want to take the goopy-looking overlays off. Yet you’d have to sacrifice its sparkly elements to get rid of its viscous ones: Unlike Swarovski’s past sneakers, the crystals are applied onto the rubber overlays rather than directly on the shoe.
Stringy rubber panels cover most of Nike’s branding, including the shoe’s Swoosh. It’s worth noting, however, that there’s no Swarovski-specific branding to cement its connection to the pair — proof that whoever created these sneakers should be ashamed of themselves.
Is there demand for semen shoes? — Swarovski’s Air Max 97 was made for sneakerhead Cinderellas. Its Cactus Plant Flea Market Dunk catered to streetwear enthusiasts who needed a little bling. Who the brand’s gooey Air Force 1 applies to is unclear, and we’re willing to stay ignorant on that topic — Margiela’s cum shoes from last year awakened far too many perverts for our liking.
As of now, there’s no release date for Swarovski and Nike’s crystallized Air Force 1, although it’ll likely arrive with a price tag just as monstrous as the shoe itself. Even beyond monetary value, your shoes will cost you your dignity with comparisons to horrific cystic acne, trypophobia triggers, and the end result from the “Jizz In My Pants” video.