Listen up, sigmas: 'Sonic The Hedgehog' is coming to your Tesla

The speed of fast.


Let's be honest: you don't buy a Tesla to drive it, you get one so you can park it somewhere and wait for 20-something dudes to ooh and ahh over it. Well, your amazing investment just got another feature that'll turn the heads of your fellow nerds: the original Sonic the Hedgehog. Yes, the Blue Blur himself will be available on all Tesla models, though the timeline for this release is not yet clear.

Tesla CEO and manchild influencer Elon Musk announced the move on Twitter with his trademark lack of details and incorrect punctuation. That tweet was a reply to a badly-constructed image of Bernie Sanders as Dr. Robotnik. The fact that Elon Musk aspires to Dr. Robotnik's level of prestige and genius should be obvious to everyone, but unfortunately Musk appears to be more interested in dumping shares of his own company than creating the ultimate life form.

Not so fast — As for the original Sonic the Hedgehog, while it deserves plaudits for kickstarting the series, most fans consider it the weakest of the original four Genesis games. (The fourth is Sonic & Knuckles, if you've forgotten.) Not only does it lack the spin dash (though some re-releases add it), it also relies more on slow precision platforming than Sonic 2 or 3. It contains around half as many "zones" as Sonic 2, though the zones are a bit longer thanks to its three act structure. Its maze-like special stages are pretty interesting, though.

It should also go without saying that you shouldn't try to race your way through Green Hill Zone while sitting in traffic. Tesla has made it abundantly clear that this Tesla Arcade feature is intended for passengers only, but it's unclear if Sonic will work while the vehicle is moving. Other games on Tesla Arcade do work this way, though.

Traffic control — Previous Tesla press releases have claimed that certain models have an on-board computer with as much processing power as next-gen consoles, but that claim remains to be seen. Most of the games you can play on Tesla Arcade (such as Cuphead, Stardew Valley, and Polytopia) can run on your college laptop, or perhaps a particularly expensive smart toaster.

Spending tens of thousands of dollars on a car that can play Sonic the Hedgehog is a true sigma move, but we recommend setting up a Raspberry Pi instead. It carries substantially less risk of a traffic fatality.